Conan: Take a Reality Check

Conan O'Brien didn't get to be Johnny Carson, so he's very sad and depressed. If you don't believe me, check out his beard. As every White American Man knows, when we're sad and depressed we grow a beard. We just can't be bothered with shaving.

I sort of felt sorry for him, until I remembered a few facts:

• He was paid $32 million to walk away from his contract. When most of us lose our jobs, we're lucky to get 2 weeks' severance pay.
• He's spent much of his adult life hosting a late night talk show on a major TV network. This isn't a bad gig; in fact, only a handful of people on Earth can make such a claim.
• He's a smart guy. He's fully aware that the TV business isn't about grace and honor; it's about cold, hard cash. Loyalty means nada.

Conan O'Brien is a brilliant comedic talent, but is he really that much funnier than any "Onion" staffer? Did he deserve the "Tonight" show more than, say, Jon Stewart, or Stephen Colbert? Of course not. Conan should be more than pleased with the way his life has played out. He was never a natural performer; he was a writer who was promoted to become a performer, bypassing thousands of talented performers to take the reins of "Late Night." He done good, much better than he deserved.

Conan, you're still young. You're filthy rich. Take some time off, see the world, take up a hobby, and please stop whining.